“I never think of myself as strong,” she told me over a frosty mug of A&W Rootbeer. “People tell me I’m strong all the time, but, I don’t know. I don’t really believe that.”
I was stunned. Speechless.
How could my mom not see herself as strong? After a lifetime of struggles great and small, how did she not understand that strength for herself?
The more we talked, though, the more I wondered – What exactly does it mean to “be strong?”
I think “strength” is often confused with “stoicism.” The ability to remain unemotional during immensely sad, scary or confusing times.
I see that less as “strength” and more as “compartmentalizing.” Many people, myself included, when faced with a crisis (and especially when other loved ones are involved and looking for guidance) can lock away that part of themselves that is completely freaking out, opening it only after the crisis has passed or they have a quiet moment to themselves.
This, to me, is not strength, but a survival mechanism.
So what is real strength? What is that inherent quality of a person that makes people say “Wow! She is really strong!”
Being an avid fan of NBC’s Today Show, I have seen many Regular Joes and Joans come through, interviewed for surviving cancer, having a special needs child, or living through a terrible tragedy.
Many times, the host will say to that person, “What incredible strength you have!”
And many times, that person will look at them completely dumbfounded.
After all, what was the alternative? To stop fighting? To give up on their child? To curl up into a ball and cry until they just wasted away?
There have been times in the last few years that I, too, have felt just as dumbfounded. People commenting about my supposed “strength” in the face of one adversity or another, when all I felt I had done is put one foot in front of the other and took care of what I considered to be my responsibilities.
I never set out to be “strong.” Never considered myself any “stronger” for having done it.
But that’s the funny thing about “strength.” It’s a muscle you can’t see developing yourself, it only looks like something to everybody else.
I returned home to Honduras, but the question still floated in and out of my consciousness. What is real “strength?”
I landed on an answer this morning. Not in any sort of formal way. Not touched on by anything I had heard or read. All-of-a-sudden, as I was scrambling eggs for breakfast, thinking about my mom and my sister and maybe a Mother’s Day post, I was struck with the definition I needed.
True “strength” goes beyond the ability to stay level-headed in a crisis. It’s the ability to be knee-deep in disaster and still find a way to laugh. To be at the heart of a tragedy and still hold onto the hope that, eventually, it will all be OK. “Strength” is that amazing quality in a person that can be rattled and banged up and bruised and still get out of bed in the morning and do something for somebody else. “Strong” people can be hit with more than anyone should ever have to bear and come out the other side still seeing the beauty in life. The strong do cry. They have breakdowns and deal with depression. But “strength” is the ability to keep that horrible, traumatic thing from causing you to stall out on your own life. The Strong keep moving forward with the hope that joy can live their hearts again.
All of the “strength” that I am credited for can be attributed to the strength my mother demonstrated to my sister and me throughout our lives.
Through her, I learned that change is inevitable, but no matter how much everything changes, there will always be the love of family to support you.
That in life you don’t always get what you want. But you always make do with what you have. And you are grateful for it.
I learned the very valuable lesson early-on that people do not change, no matter how badly you want them to.
And more importantly, to never be afraid to walk away from a person or situation that is hurting you more than helping you.
There will be times when the world is just unfair. Go ahead and cry, don’t deny your feelings. Then let it go and focus on the good parts of your life (and there are always good parts).
Don’t depend on anyone to save you. Figure out a way to save yourself.
And don’t depend on somebody to support you. Make yourself capable so you have the ability to support yourself.
Always find a reason to laugh.
Life will throw you some crazy curve balls, but you will always, ALWAYS survive it.
And no matter what, keep your head held high, and keep. moving. forward.
My mother has two daughters living lives that are just outside of normal, in ways that make other people say, “I just don’t think I could do something like that.”
But we do.
And we have the ability, flexibility, mental clarity, and yes, even some strength to tackle each new day, every new challenge, all the shifts and turns that life throws at us, and come through it all with joy still in our hearts, knowing that tomorrow will be a new day.
Because my mother’s strength showed us how.
