You can imagine my glee when I saw your beautiful mug staring at me from the cover of Star Magazine as I was piling my groceries onto the counter last week. Followed immediately by my complete surprise once I read the headline...
Well, Neil, I have been smitten with you for YEARS. Your boyish smile. Your hottie hotness. Your wacky sense of humor. Mmmmmm.
Fortunately for my husband, you already have a boyfriend, the handsome (but not as funny or hot or charming as you, not that I ever met him or knew his name before) David Burtka. I thought that would be the end of you and me. I'd just have to settle for our weekly "dates," where I'd watch your shenanigans on How I Met Your Mother, and you would continue to ignore my existence.
Until now.
You can call off the search, my beloved Neil (oh, and your boyfriend, too), because I will be your Surrogate Mama!
This would really bring all my talents together - birthing babies and drooling over YOU!
I assure you, I grow 'em smart and EXTRA cute (at least I'm one for one, you can check out the rest of my blog for proof of that!) I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs (well, except for this Robitussin with Codeine that I'm taking right now at night, but if it was YOUR baby, I would happily cough up my lungs, totally drug free, if that's what you want.) I take all my prenatal vitamins and I even throw in some Omega-3s, which, I'm sure you know, makes babies even smarter.
And the best part of this arrangement? I don't want money! Not one single dime!!! I just want the joy and honor of having a baby for YOU (and that other guy, of course).
All I ask is that we exchange Christmas cards every year.
Well, and birthdays and Valentine's Days, too. And maybe you could come over for a barbecue in the summer. And perhaps we'll come celebrate Thanksgivings with you, only every other year, of course. And speaking of birthdays, I'm sure you'd want to invite us over to your baby's birthday parties, since, you know, I would have given him/her life and all. And if you could come over once in a while and regale us with your extraordinary magician's abilities, that would be really cool, too!
Well, there's a few other items on my list, but we can hammer all that out later.
(I've got two words for you. Sleep.Over. Just something to think about before we negotiate the contract.)
The important thing is, get ready to be a Daddy! Cause your Baby Mama is right here!
Now, if you're in a time crunch, and you'd really like to have your baby sooner than later, I am happy to inform you that I've got a bun in the oven RIGHT NOW. A little girl that will be making her appearance in the next five weeks. You (and what's his face) can have this baby now, with almost no waiting, and we'll just make another one for ourselves later.
(I haven't exactly run that one by my husband, but I'm pretty sure he'll be totally on board!)
So, my Very Handsome Neil, are you as excited about this arrangement as I am???
I will be anxiously awaiting your email. Or you can just twitter me, if that's easier.
With all my undying love,
Covering you in Kisses,
Seeing you in my dreams tonight,
Sincerely,
Jen@Happily-Ever-After-Land
